Hiya! It's another edition of Conversations with One! *cue music*
A little introduction for first-timers:
Conversations with One is a chat-series on the blog.
Each week, the 1 + TheOne panel (made up of beloved and very wise friends with a variety of personalities) and I bring you snippets of our 'round-table' discussions from a male/female perspective.. We talk about any and every thing!!
Ladies! Have you ever wanted to get into the mind of a guy? (I know I do! lol), and for guys, I bet once in a while you wish you could just read her mind! Well hopefully week after week, we get to bridge that gap!
You can have a look at the last conversation where we discussed the wisdom of abandoning your career or dream for someone you are in a relationship with. You can read it and other previous episodes
HERE.
This week, our discussion is based on a question/dilemma:
"Help, I think I have fallen in love with my male-bestie. Is it alright to let him know how I feel? Would it make me (as a female) appear desperate or should I wait for him to make the first move?"
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| Happy ending? |
What do you think? To let him know or to keep quite about it? Conversation time!
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Ms PYT: Is this male bestie also into her? Is she the only one falling in love or is the feeling mutual?
One: We don't know if the male bestie is into her too oh... Let's work based on the premise that she doesn't know if he does.. So he may or may not..
Mr NumeroUno: My advise to her - It can be expressed with wisdom in very very subtle ways (by actions and not by vocal speech).
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| Shhh.. |
I believe the lady should not be the first to vocalise her feelings. She can show it through acts of kindness, acts of service, etc. Only, don't make it difficult for him, when it is obvious he is interested.
How do I know if he is interested? Simple...
1. Withdraw and just play the absent and silent card. If he comes looking for you. Then there is potential.
2. He may be put off or angry at the sudden withdrawal, or very concerned and worried wondering if you are okay. These two actions indicate care, emotion and concern. Which also implies that there is potential.
If he does not notice the absence, or does nothing about it. Then please open your heart for a guy who cares.
One: Lol.. I love the absent and silent card... But what if the guy too is dying in silence and takes her withdrawal as a sign that she is promoting (abi is it demoting) him from friend zone to brother zone?
Ah-mean, what if Ruth had withdrawn after her insides started tingling at the sight of Boaz (or at least before her mother-in-law gave her expo?)
Mr NumeroUno: One, I think Ruth's case is different. In the sense that we are talking about people who are already best of friends. Not new boy-girl relationships where the foundation is still being laid. So withdrawal should be sort of a test to see if there is indeed something.
Then if we look at Ruth also, she took the necessary action, by positioning. She didn't vocalise affection or feelings until the guy committed.
Ms PumpkinUnited:
Eerrmm, I sort of love this question because I have a personal experience in that regard.. My SO (Significant Other) and I started off as besties.. but along the line, I realized I had developed a tender spot for him. Due to the kind of person he is (good-natured and with a large heart) I wasn't sure of his exact feelings towards me, so I decided to use 'woman power' to find out, by watching his reaction when he hasn't heard from me or seen me, etc etc ..I'm a very expressive person but then I'm not good at dealing with rejection so I tried to be careful. In the long run however, I realized the feeling was mutual, we were talking one day and he stated thus - as far as he is concerned, a man and woman cannot be besties cause there's a natural phenomenon for attraction to build overtime (it might not always be the case though) - I just caught that 'rhema' and held it close. So knowing how he felt about me, my expressive self took the bold step and expressed how I felt towards him, and the feeling was also mutual. Fast-forward some two years later and my bestie has graduated from my bestie -> boyfriend -> fiance -> husband to be.. Somebody shout Halleluya.. Loolll..
Ms UTA: Hallelujah! ! God is good; all the time! :-D
Mr Agbalagbaski: Halleluyah oooo..
Beuriful sturvs
One: Lol.. Loving the story Ms PumpkinUnited! Thank God you made the move oh! NumeroUno, I am still pro 'Speak-out'.. Why suffer in silence??
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| Like Nike, just do it! :-) |
I think if you have a very good relationship - up to the point of being besties, not just random friends, you would have shared many 'áwkward' or private things! Be open, I think it's the way its presented..
She knows the way they communicate, and can say
"Dude, I have to be honest with you, things have changed for me..." Please are there any guys who have had this conversation with a female friend (bestie or very close friend)? I would like to know how it turned out :-)
Ms TrueTalk: Hallelujah! Ms. Pumpkin United.
I feel a 'bestie' relationship between a boy and a girl cannot go on without a moment of attraction; especially when they have been together for a long time and grown to the age of having boyfriends/girlfriends. It can either turn out to be a mutual feeling or an awkward moment.
I would go with One on this - make your feelings known if not verbally, but through gestures. Don't bottle it up or expect him to just 'know'. Not expressing yourself may end up straining the relationship.
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| Now, what did I do again!? |
Ms PumpkinUnited: I remember my bestie turned SO asking me back then "whom better than to marry if not your best friend, would you rather marry a stranger and start getting to know yourselves all over?"
One: Lol.. I agree.. Save yourself the stress :-)
So, I am still asking oh, has anyone done 1 or all of the following:
1. Told your male/female bestie that you had feelings for them (Pumpkin has dealt with this one).. If you have one with an alternative ending please let me know
2. Didn't tell your male/female bestie and they ended up with someone else.. Any regrets?
3. Didn't tell them but did the pulling away technique.. How did it turn out?
Ms PYT: I told my friend's brother I was in love with him and he just didn't say anything . *Covering my face*.
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| Was his face a bit like this? lol |
One: Hahaha.. This got me laughing out loud! Pele PYT... Please tell us in a little more detail warrapens now? :-D
Ms Hope: Hahahhahahaha please let me laugh at this one.
Ms MIA: This is really tricky for me because like Ms Pumpkin said, rejection is tough for anyone let alone for a sister....shaking already!
I have a near experience I can share. I liked him from day one of being friends but didn't want any more than that because I was dealing with a heartbreak. Dude wanted us to be an item but I insisted on being friends. Then he takes the friendship position after many months of trying to win me over. Fast forward to nearly one year of friendship and I start to dig the dude. I even got a tinge of jealous feelings when other ladies paid him attention. I did all the subtle-ness to hint him but my guy didn't respond, I even staged unnecessary quarrels but it didn't work. So I took a last resort and had 'THE' convo and guy was no longer interested...*sadddddface* (I got over it anyway...lol!).
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| You see, what it is is that... I'm kinda like no longer interested -__- |
One: I get you on that staging unnecessary quarrel! Hahaha.. One day we should talk about the 'extreme measures' we took in trying to get a guy/girl's attention! But mehnnn why can't we like each other at the same time please?? That would save a lot of stress.
Ms MIA: I agree One, this likeness situation needs to start aligning itself somehow though. Ps. Guy found another girl and didn't tell me abourrit! Sadder!
MissMe: Sorry MIA, :-D
Ms MIA: Lol. Note to lady with dilemma, please be prepared for whatever the outcome is. I think that the worst thing that could happen to anyone is to have that lingering 'what if'?' I would say try the subtle approach (recommended by NumeroUno) and if need be, progress to face to face convo (it works for some.....Amen Ms Pumpkin!).
However, I must stress that you be prepared and don't make it awkward. Ask yourself the real questions, if dude does not want this to go further, what do I want? Can I stay friends still or will I need an exit strategy? My mother says - 'No friendship with men and women', although I think it is situational!
.... On that note, we end our conversation and put the question to you. What should she do? Say nothing but subtly send signals to him about her feelings, take the bite and speak to him about it, or something totally different? Also, we'd like to know, have you or any one you know been in this situation? Please share!
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